Our Minds Influence Our Deeds - How I Felt After Turning 50
Source: rocket50
By: rocket50 staff
Date: May 20, 2023
The trials of life are less important than how a person deals with them. I’m 74 now and have had my fair share of trials. I’m going to tell you about the time I turned 50. The state of my mind building up to my 50th birthday wasn’t good. Turning 50 wasn’t a smooth transition for me or my husband, Frank.
In fact, we’re no longer together. It all started when my husband, Frank, was just 52 years old and I was 49. My 50th birthday was looming, and I felt as though my world had fallen apart. Some of my friends had already turned 50 and described it as a challenging milestone.
A sense of foreboding with turning 50
I had a sense of foreboding that turning 50 wasn't going to be an easy transition for me. I was overweight, flushed, and always hot and bothered. I had reduced energy and was quite frankly, lazy! We were also experiencing relationship changes.
Our two older kids had left home, and Frank and I were feeling somewhat isolated and lonely. Our third child, a 15-year-old, wouldn’t be with us for much longer. Would we have anything in common then?
Both losing confidence in each other
Being overweight and in fairly early menopause myself, Frank would often shake his head in disbelief at my unpredictable moods. I could have blamed him for giving me the silent treatment. He was spending more and more time wrapped up in his work. If this is what turning 50 was like, I wasn’t looking forward at all to the second half of life.
I felt as though both of us were in some kind of confidence crisis. We were finding fault with everything and disagreeing constantly. We were losing confidence in each other, and our many sexual disappointments ate away at our confidence even more.
Maybe Frank needed the excitement of a younger woman. Maybe I needed someone who cared more and wasn’t so wrapped up in their work.
Turning 50 and feelings of depression
I’m not naive. I know that the way people feel after turning 50 can vary. A lot depends on their individual circumstances and outlook on life. I saw quite a few of my family and friends turning 50 and laughing it off. They were excited for the next 30, 40, or 50 years, while I had feelings of anxiety and uncertainty.
Some days I felt downright depressed. You have to be careful with depression. Left untreated it can eat away at you and impact your quality of life.
We had experienced our fair share of successes and accomplishments. On the other hand, I also felt a sense of regret and disappointment about missed opportunities. At 49, facing my 50th birthday, everyone was telling me that it wasn’t too late to make positive changes and even pursue new goals.
In the last 15 years, our marriage and relationship had undergone shifting interests. Certainly, my body had undergone some negative changes, and there was this decreased libido between Frank and myself. The lack of intimacy had caused strain and tension in the relationship.
My third baby and postpartum depression
I remember when it all started. After my third baby, not only did I put on weight and feel exhausted, but I also had postpartum depression with feelings of anxiety and sadness.
I remember Frank dutifully encouraging me to get support and treatment from a medical professional. He knew and understood the demands of caring for a newborn, and he was willing to do his part. However, as the weeks and months unfolded, I refused any kind of medical help.
My depression became a chronic condition
I began to sense frustration with Frank and maybe even intolerance. He was no longer showing empathy and understanding. I eventually did get some treatment, but I continued to experience symptoms even with the treatment. Maybe I left it too late.
In any case, my depression had become a chronic condition requiring ongoing treatment and management. In spite of this, I never got to resume my normal activities. As the years unfolded, I guess I became a boring, self pitying, whining lump.
With our first two kids, we all used to love going on hikes. With the birth of our third child, this activity stopped. I preferred to spend hours in front of the TV with an ongoing bowl of snacks.
Frank no longer tried to get the three of us out into nature. At first, he would say that the endorphins, or happy hormones, released during the walk in nature would do wonders for positive thinking. He said the change of scenery would increase my energy levels. He would always say how therapeutic it was.
I just wouldn’t budge and give in to Frank’s pleas, preferring to sit around, wallowing in sadness and anxiety.
I’ve seen some of our friends in similar marriages navigate the challenges they faced. Most of them found ways to connect and communicate. Even though Frank and I didn’t have a thrilling marriage, he had done his best to support and encourage me over the last 15 years since the birth of our third child.
The problem lay with me. I was pretty much cold and lifeless. Without professional help, I didn’t have the ability or desire to overcome my state of mind.
My 50th birthday weekend - a surprise getaway?
And so it was with me approaching my 50th birthday. Even though I had reached the stage where I didn’t get much excited over anything anymore, I did feel a stirring within me of expectation. What was Frank going to come up with for this most momentous event?
My husband had always come up with cool ideas for my birthdays in the past. I was half expecting him to come up with a weekend away at a hotel with a spa. He had always been sensitive to my needs and surely he must know that I would welcome lots of therapeutic treatments.
I felt as though I could do with some relaxation, cleansing, and nourishment. I was amazed that I actually felt the stirrings of interest, excitement, and anticipation.
Frank is quiet over what he has up his sleeve
My 50th birthday fell on a weekend, and I remember feeling a sense of apprehension come over me by Thursday. Why hadn’t I heard anything from Frank?
On the Friday morning, Frank left for work as usual, taking our 15-year-old with him to drop her off at school. Feeling despondent about there being no thrilling buildup to my milestone birthday, I headed towards my ‘feel sorry for myself’ chair to wallow.
Coping with devastating news
That’s when I caught sight of the formal-looking white envelope propped up on the chair. At last, the birthday surprise I was waiting for! Ripping the envelope open, my anticipatory thoughts turned to dismay, horror, and shock. Frank’s letter announced a divorce.
A mountain of emotions washed over me. I knew why Frank had chosen to send me a letter rather than have a face-to-face conversation with me. He had been trying to talk to me for years, to no avail. He had pretty much received indifference from me for years.
No turning back
His letter triggered a wide range of emotions, from shock and disbelief to sadness and grief. I wasn’t angry with Frank, just angry with myself for allowing this terrible situation to develop. I’m not going to bore you with all the details. Frank moved out over my birthday weekend. His letter made it clear that there was no turning back.
A jolt into reality
One thing is sure, Frank’s letter jostled me into changing my behavior. There was nothing I could do to save the marriage. Frank was hurt and resentful, but also determined, and I couldn’t blame him.
I knew that real change takes time and that things weren’t going to change overnight. It's true that approaching 50 can be a time of transition and reflection but I never dreamed mine would be rocked by such tumultuous events.
I think it's natural that most couples take stock of their relationships as they reach this milestone. You have to guard against taking things for granted and settling into a rut. There is also that midlife crisis to contend with where couples question their life choices, and that includes their marriage too.
Moving into midlife doesn’t need to be a crisis
I've seen some of my friends who have had the desire for new experiences and who have engaged in extramarital affairs. Having said that, though, moving into midlife certainly doesn’t need to be such a crisis.
You just have to know how to navigate these 50+ years successfully. By prioritizing communication and respect and taking good care of yourselves, every couple facing 50 can work through these changing years.
As you approach 50 be open to new experiences
Every relationship is unique, and the challenges and opportunities depend on a variety of factors. There are some general principles that can help strengthen a marriage. One of these is flexibility.
Each person in the marriage has to adapt to changing circumstances and be open to new experiences. Turning 50 is like entering a new season of your life. You can never be in danger of losing who you are.
It’s natural to tweak one or two likes and dislikes to match those of your husband or partner. But it's important to keep your own identity and not get lost in your partner.
Into the future with goals
Make no mistake, turning 50 is a significant milestone in a person's life. Once I turned 50, I knew it was time to set new goals for my new future without Frank. It's true that going through a divorce makes life after 50 seem difficult. And yet I knew I had to shake myself up and make the next 30 or 40 years a far more positive experience.
I couldn’t dwell on the past. I had to make the most of each new day or risk a bleak future with only myself to blame. One thing was certain – I was going to make a special effort with my self-care.
I was going to exercise more, drink more water, and become a more interesting person. Who knows, I might even consider a new hobby. I was going to make this miserable 50th birthday an opportunity to create a vision for my future. It was going to be a positive turning point in my life.
Calming and restorative Yoga
I signed up for a yoga class to help ease me into my new life and make this time of losing Frank more bearable. I found the classes calming and restorative – the perfect thing to help ease me through my three "Ms"—menopause, midlife crisis, and missing Frank.
I started off feeling anxious, overheated, and out of balance with myself. With lotus and cobra poses, I started feeling the therapeutic benefits of yoga. All my anger and irritations quietly easing up. My yoga teacher told me that the mind and body respond well to slow movements, and I would begin to feel a deep sense of peace.
By stretching and moving my body in certain ways, there was this wonderful release of tension as my stress hormones were lowered. I felt miraculously soothed, with the yoga helping to ease my emotional upheavals.
I objected to being a ‘red rubber ball’
I know that eating healthily is important at any age, but it can be particularly beneficial going into your fifties. I’d neglected my weight over the last 15 years. I’d been humiliated too once when, at a busy flea market, I bumped into some obnoxious kids and had one of them spit out venomously ‘red rubber ball’.
I’d let myself go, and I wanted to get back to a healthy weight and restore my overall wellbeing. I was determined to get out of the habit of eating so many packaged snacks and processed foods.
I slowly started practicing portion control with everything I ate. I also began to say no to so many alcoholic drinks and started replacing them with water. I tried to limit my intake of bad foods and drinks and opt for water and whole, unprocessed foods instead.
By making these small changes to my diet, I was going to be sure to start my 50s on a positive note.
A new hobby - turning my thoughts to those in need
Next, I was determined to start a new hobby. Like many other 50 somethings, I was feeling restless and dissatisfied. I certainly felt that taking up a new hobby would be a good way to channel that energy into something positive and fulfilling for me.
I wanted a sense of purpose. I had a fairly well paying job that didn’t require working weekends. I decided to volunteer at an animal shelter. I’m an animal lover, and this was an activity that I could enjoy, but where I could make a positive difference in the lives of suffering animals.
My thoughts turn away from myself
I found working with needy animals a totally rewarding experience and wondered what Frank would say if he could see me now.
Gone was the self-absorbed, weighty, lazy woman I’d become in the last 15 years. I was slimmer, full of energy, and active. I had no time to wallow in self-pity.
Spending time with animals relieved any stress I had, but it was also uplifting. I had a tremendous sense of happiness knowing that I was helping animals in need.
I had to perform a host of physical tasks, which provided me with much needed exercise. I felt all my self-esteem return.
Really, if you’re feeling stuck or unfulfilled in your life, start doing something you’ve got a passion for. It can inject some excitement and purpose into your life, and there are literally unlimited options to explore.
Self-examination
Frank and I won’t ever be together again. He’s remarried in any case. It was a time for me to examine myself honestly. I knew it would be enlightening. I had achieved nothing over the last 15 years and was ashamed.
Frank does come over occasionally to see our 15 year old daughter. He can’t believe the change that’s come over me. Everyone makes mistakes, but my mistakes cost me my marriage and the loss of a good man – Frank.
A fresh start
The key starting afresh is to learn from your mistakes and improve. Looking back now, I still can’t still believe the many feelings and emotions I experienced over that dreadful weekend that I turned 50.
Turning 50 and going through a divorce was a harrowing experience, but there was a positive side – a fresh start. I made sure to prioritize exercise, healthy eating, and good self-care. I started a new hobby and created a sense of purpose for myself.
Trying new things can be a bit intimidating, especially if you’re a bit of an introvert, but I found the strength and resilience to make necessary urgent changes.
A formula for navigating the 50s and beyond
Are you turning 50 and worrying about what it will hold for you? Don’t take anything for granted, be an interesting person with goals and care for others. Don’t allow your days to be a colorless existence.
If you find life monotonous and without color, you have only yourself to blame. Never become like I was - insensitive to the wonder of life around me.
After Frank left I knew I had to transform the monotony of my days and start acting with confidence. When I entered my 50s that weekend two decades ago, there was just panic and distress. As the weeks passed, I was able to see new horizons beckoning. I was able to overcome all my faults and self-pity and eventually turn my despair into a new joy.